Bill/Not-Bill

Tracking the elusive Bill Roundy
(excerpted from The Field Observer's Handbook of Preternatural Entities)


A glimpse of the wild Bill Roundy in its native habitat is the fondest wish of countless thousands, from curious sight-seers to the most respected names in the fields of exobiology, applied metaphysics, and Bill Studies. Many nights of patient tracking may take their toll on the observer's sanity and liver functions, but the thrill of seeing an
authentic Bill Roundy stalking its prey through a dimly lit Manhattan bar cannot be overstated.

Appearance: This noble and majestic creature is distinguished by its shaven scalp, trim goatee, and overwhelming aura of sensuality. Plumage is dark-colored, typically black, gray, or dark green, though the skin itself is shockingly white. Brightly-colored claws discourage other predators from encroaching on his territory.

Note that on rare occasions of stress Bill Roundy may be seen without nail polish. Do not approach him at these times, as he is likely to be irritable. If you must approach, do so only with the appropriate precautions (i.e. praise and offerings of beer).

Habitat:
Bill Roundy is found exclusively in urban areas, and is most often found in areas where high culture, complicated cocktails, and entertainment are commingled. However, advanced occult rituals known as "weddings" or "reunions" can summon him hundreds of miles from civilized enclaves. The purpose of these visits is unknown.

Distribution: Bill Roundy is native to the Eastern Seaboard of North America. Reports that he has been spotted as far away as Hawaii can be attributed to wishful thinking, or possibly mistaken sightings of the johnericus roundarian, or "Lesser Roundy."

Life and Behavior: Little is known of the Bill Roundy life cycle. Most scholars believe that the creature forms spontaneously from pockets of concentrated coolness ("hyper-cool"). Recent reports (Vagts, Journal of Mad Science, April '02) of a mullet-bearing larval form in the Suburban Outback of Virginia have been thoroughly discredited.

It is known that Bill Roundy is nocturnal, and that he establishes a lair, though spends little time there. He is almost always found with a drink in hand. Indeed, it has been speculated (Slepetz, Symposia Metaphysica, March '03) that Bill Roundy's existence on this plane becomes unstable without the presence of alcohol within a 30-foot
radius of his body. Fortunately, this has never occurred.

Bill is easily distracted by shiny objects. He can be lured into the open with the following call: "Oooopppennnn Baaaarrrrr!"

Warning: Attractive young men seeking out Bill Roundy are advised to use extreme caution, lest the hunter become the hunted.

Distinguishing Bill Roundy from other supernatural creatures:
Cthulhu and his spawn are much larger, and usually greenish in color.
Werewolves have pointier ears, and are not as hairy.

The search for the true Bill Roundy can be complicated by the presence of look-alikes, or "Dopp-Bill-gangers" (Martin, K. New England Journal of Bill Studies, Nov. 02).

See if you can pick Bill out from the imitators!
(Answers and explanations below)

1.

2.

3.

4.

Answers: 1) A. This should be easy: Bill is much sexier, and he has two drinks instead of one. 2) B. Yes, Bill is wearing white in this photo. Clearly, he must be drunk. 3) A. The picture on the right is professional Bill Roundy impersonator Ming the Merciless. 4)  B. That woman in picture A is Marilyn Monroe, blatantly and retroactively stealing Bill's style.

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