Tiger Food

by Bill Roundy

There once was a tiger named Locke. Locke didn't like to eat antelope; their hooves always cracked and hurt his mouth. He didn't like wildebeests either; their hair always got caught between his teeth.

One day, as Locke lay out sunning himself (trying unsuccessfully to get a tan), he heard some voices. He crept up on the rock and peered over it carefully.

He saw a family of picnickers. Locke pounced into the middle of the their blanket, and they went screaming in all directions.

Locke chased the fat old woman first, but she ran into the swamp and slorped her way through the muck, and Locke didn't want to get his paws dirty. He chased the two kids, but they climbed a tree and cried, and Locke couldn't stand the noise. He couldn't find the father anywhere.

Sulking, tired, and hungry, he returned to his sunning rock.

Then he stopped. His nose twitched. He smelled something good.

He dug through the picnic basket until he found what it was: a can of tuna fish! He pried it open with his claws and ate everything inside. He even licked the inside of the can to make sure he got every scrap.

The next day, Locke decided that chasing animals around was too much work, and he was going to have some more tuna fish. The other tigers made fun of him.

"Tigers don't eat tuna fish!" they said, and they laughed.

But Locke didn't care, and he said so. And then he walked to a supermarket.

He stepped through the automatic door and went through the aisles looking for tuna fish. A woman shopping with her kids saw him, and she screamed and dropped the tomato paste she had been holding. Locke just jumped over a row of sauces into the next aisle. There he found the aisle with the tuna fish. There were rows after rows of tuna fish, all kinds and brands, in white cans and red cans, some in bottles and some in tins.

Locke picked up two cans and he walked to the checkout counter.

The checkout clerk saw him coming.

"There's a tiger in the store, and now he's coming to eat me!" thought the clerk. He hid underneath the cash register and murmured "Please don't eat me please don't eat me please don't eat me."

Locke walked to the counter and looked around. He didn't see anyone.

"Food must be free today," he thought, and he walked out of the store. He went home and enjoyed a good meal.

The next day Locke came to the store and tried the "extra-chunky" tuna. The clerk called the police, and told them that a tiger was in the store. Locke went home, and the police came to the store and made a lot of noise. They asked a lot of questions, and then used the phone to make some calls.

"There's a tiger stealing food from the supermarket," said the policeman. "No, really. He is. Uh-huh. It could destroy the nation's economy if he keeps it up. Yes, sir. Yes, that would be good."

The next day, when Locke came to the store, he noticed that something was different. The National Guard had set sandbags and machineguns in front of the supermarket.

"There he is, men!" they shouted. "Don't let him take the tuna fish alive!"

And one of the men opened fire as Locke got closer.

There was a scene of unimaginable carnage.

Click here for the exciting conclusion!